Some couples have a strong aversion to fighting. They see arguments as a sign that things are doomed. Of course, you don’t want to be disagreeing all the time. But those moments of conflict can be helpful. They can help unearth deeper issues. For example, what kind of relationship expectations do each of you have?
Unrealistic expectations are a recipe for conflict. Go back over times you and your partner have fought. When seen more clearly, these scenarios often reveal mismatched expectations. The only way to hash out this trend is to accept its presence. From there, you can begin communicating openly about needs, wants, and yes… expectations.
Unreasonable Expectations and Their Consequences
First and foremost, neither of you should ever expect perfection. No one person can ever fulfill all of your needs and that’s a good thing. Both self-improvement and community-building would never happen if a single human was your sole provider.
Unrealistic relationship expectations can manifest in ways like:
- Making unreasonable demands on one another
- Needing your partner to be available at all times
- Demanding your partner change to satisfy your needs
- Taking it upon yourself to change your partner because you know what’s best for them
Anyone can fall into these traps without realizing it. But the time it becomes apparent, the fighting and other issues have become the norm.
How To Set Realistic Relationship Expectations
Let’s start with the non-negotiable basics:
- Make appreciation a top priority: Get into the habit of valuing your partner’s positive impact on your life. This doesn’t mean you excuse all other behavior. But it can mean you recognize the reality that leaving dishes in the sink is far less important than the way they allow you to feel safe when being vulnerable.
- Operate from a place of respect and compassion: Make this a shared expectation. Disagreement is inevitable. There will be times when you feel sour. None of this changes the strong bond you’ve built. As corny as it sounds work on loving what is…. The “good” and “bad”. You’ll be surprised by how taking this mindset shifts things.
- Be kind to each other: Do nice things without being asked. Share compliments. Take a strong interest in each other’s lives.
From this foundation, you can then transition into an ongoing discussion about expectations.
How To Talk About Expectations
- Talk bluntly about what each of you can and cannot do.
- Talk bluntly about what each of you will and will not do.
- Never compare your relationship to other couples you know.
- If you find yourself having the same argument over and over, commit together to trying a new approach.
- Also, in the case of repetitive fights, talk about possible underlying causes.
- Set, enforce, and respect boundaries.
- Agree to give each other space and encourage each other to have independent lives.
- Even with independent lives, always leave quality time for each other.
- Do not give ultimatums.
- Recognize that the concept of relationship expectations is a never-ending process.
Through it all, pledge to take care of yourselves. Even in tough times, you both must practice self-care. This is not only for your personal well-being but it also helps you think clearly and calmly. Encourage each other to never neglect self-care.
When You Are Just Not Getting What You Expect Or Need
No one ever said relationships are easy. That’s why so many couples choose to ask for help. There are so many moving parts that no one should have the unrealistic expectation of having it all figured out. In the presence of a skilled and unbiased guide, you can explore the challenges you face, the triggers, and get more effective at communicating your needs. From there, conversations about expectations become less fraught. If you need to help to repair some damage, I urge you to get in touch with me.