Understanding and Overcoming Codependency in Family – Therapy4Men.com Dr Rick Pomfret Therapy for Men
In the past, the word codependency was primarily associated with the dynamics related to someone with an addiction or substance use issue. Eventually, this complex set of behaviors has been identified in a much wider range of scenarios. It’s not just romantic relationships that highlight the dangers of codependency, but entire families can get sucked up into its vortex.
All family relationships are complex and sometimes feel invisible. Codependency is a strong example of an insidious problem that gets embedded before you recognize its presence. Left unchecked, codependency can establish patterns that have the potential to extend across generations. This goes for parent-child connections, sibling-sibling, and more.
What Is Codependency?
To sustain a codependent relationship or family, someone has to play the role of the victim or take. In contrast, at least one other family member becomes the giver or rescuer. Such an imbalanced situation requires a delicate dance of enabling and controlling, but no one ends up feeling happy.
Boundaries are blurred, fear of abandonment runs rampant, and everyone is craving validation, even if the source is dysfunctional. To be more specific, the giver surrenders their dreams and goals in the name of pleasing everyone else. The taker also makes sacrifices as they embrace a learned helplessness to facilitate the unhealthy dynamics.
What Might a Codependent Family Look Like?
Every family will have its unique factors, but here are some general themes:
- If one family member is upset (or even appears to be upset), the others can become obsessed with “fixing” that problem. This is particularly unhealthy for young children who lack the understanding or skills to help.
- Certain family members command full-time attention. It could be mood swings, angry outbursts, or pity parties, but everything revolves around them. Others are left to walk on eggshells.
- Other family members neglect their own well-being and lose touch with their feelings, needs, and wants.
- The givers feel guilty for having needs. They may grow up into adults that can’t express themselves in relationships.
- Since it’s impossible to keep everyone happy, at least one family member may resort to controlling behaviors to tilt the playing field in their favor, so to speak.
- Everyone thinks someone is mad at them and the mere hint of this being true is enough to send any family members into a spiral of anxiety and shame.
Perhaps most of all, emotions are kept to oneself, the household is run with rigid rules, and no one in the family seems capable of having long-term friends. They end up viewing family time as their collective social life. Recognizing the signs of a codependent family is easier said than done. It can be immensely helpful if at least one family member seeks professional guidance.
How to Overcome Codependency in Families
Codependency in a family is like group manipulation that no one asks for, but everyone casually accepts. Thus, the first step happens when one person decides they’ve had enough of being unhappy and confused. From a simple start, everyone can benefit when the family works together to embrace practices like:
- Setting, respecting, and enforcing boundaries
- Not seeing anyone’s independence as a threat
- Listening to each other
- Committing to ever-increasing levels of healthy communication
- Mindfulness and self-awareness
To reiterate, family codependency or enmeshment does not announce itself with obvious gestures and red flags. It’s wise to seek guidance at the first hint that something feels consistently “off.” All it takes is for one family member to do what’s best for everyone but contacting someone who is trained to identify the patterns and habits that can sabotage even the best-intentioned relatives. You don’t have to suffer in silence. Contact my office at your earliest convenience.
You can get the latest info by following me on Facebook.
Therapy for Men is a practice led by Dr. Rick Pomfret that offers counseling and psychotherapy services tailored to the needs of men. Their services encompass anxiety therapy, depression therapy, relationship therapy, men’s issues and support for those navigating life transitions or divorce. With offices in San Francisco and Corte Madera, Therapy4Men provides convenient access to mental health care for men in the San Francisco Bay Area and online across California.