When a couple with children separates or divorces, they enter into a tricky but meaningful process called co-parenting. It’s tricky because, while any type of parenting is tricky, co-parenting introduces some potentially volatile factors. You will be challenged in unique ways, but this path can be navigated if you both embrace open-minded thinking, healthy communication, and top-notch discernment.
The specifics of coparenting can vary widely, but the level of commitment is always high. You’re making decisions for the good of all of you — but no longer married. Most routines and rhythms must change, but again, if you’re willing to adapt, you can very much make this work. Let’s learn how.
Why Setting Healthy Boundaries as Coparents Is So Essential
You can sum this up in a single word: children. From infants to teens, your kids are basically bystanders. They didn’t ask to be involved in a divorce, but here they are. Hence, both parents must make a full commitment to this process. A few points to keep in mind:
- Put in the work needed to cooperate with your ex in a mature, productive way.
- Even though a divorce may leave you reeling, it’s not all about you.
- The kids come first so help them feel secure, be consistent and reliable, and lead by example.
- Never use your kids to “get even” with your ex.
On that last note, it should be non-negotiable that never withhold your kids’ presence from your ex. Also, do not drive a wedge between your children and your ex. If your top priority is the well-being of your kids, you’d never drag them into drama they do not need to see or even know about.
How to Set Healthy Boundaries as Coparents
The boundaries you are setting are between you and your former partner. That said, they very much impact your children in a wide range of ways. So, it helps to get started with some basics:
1. Communication
You may feel miserable dealing with your ex, but it’s an unavoidable part of co-parenting. If unhealthy communication was the cause of your divorce, you may want to seriously consider therapy — for your kids’ sake.
2. Respect
Things can get ugly in the time leading up to a divorce. But as co-parents, respect must be a constant. The time to yell and blame has passed. So, share your feelings with trusted friends, family members, or a therapist, but remain civil in front of your kids. This can:
- Give your children a feeling of safety
- Keep situations calm
- Help your kids see that conflict doesn’t have to mean disrespect
3. Organization
With all the moving parts, both co-parents must be organized. When setting up schedules with your ex, be clinical. Set universal rules, live up to your promises, and give your children a sense of structure. Be ready to compromise when your kids need you to be flexible.
4. Don’t Keep Score
Each parent can’t do equal amounts of work. Do your best without looking for reasons to fight. Communicate, plan, and follow through. Remember that there are exciting events and more mundane experiences like homework and hygiene. Be sure to give each parent a chance to participate in it all.
There Is No How-To Manual
As you can see, co-parenting requires individuals to step into new roles. They end up in uncharted territory — making huge, new compromises while trying to manage a plethora of emotions. It’s only logical that you’d want to ask for help. You may attend therapy individually or as a duo, but both of you can benefit from unbiased professional guidance. If co-parenting has your head spinning, I can help. Let’s connect and talk.
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Therapy for Men is a practice led by Dr. Rick Pomfret that offers counseling and psychotherapy services tailored to the needs of men. Their services encompass anxiety therapy, depression therapy, relationship therapy, men’s issues and support for those navigating life transitions or divorce. With offices in San Francisco and Corte Madera, Therapy4Men provides convenient access to mental health care for men in the San Francisco Bay Area and online across California.