How Does Polyamory Work?

These days, a casual scroll through any social media platform will almost always expose you to content related to polyamory. Sure, non-monogamy doesn’t align with much of our accepted norms but it’s not illegal to try other options. Polyamory is one such option and it’s gaining in popularity. From 2016 to 2020, the number of millennials interested in polyamory has nearly doubled. But how does it work?

Make no mistake: non-monogamy requires effort, communication, and emotional intelligence. The obstacles must never be downplayed — but that’s true for all relationships. Those going “poly,” however, face a lack of resources and an abundance of misconceptions. Let’s address some of that now.

Some Myths About Polyamory

Sex-Related 

Polyamory is not swinging. It’s not a kink, fetish, or sexual preference. It’s definitely not a way to get away with cheating. Polyamory is a committed, consensual lifestyle choice. Don’t go poly because you have fantasies of non-stop sex — even orgies. Sure, if you have more than one partner, you will, in theory, have regular sex with more than one person. But, just like a monogamous couple, your sex life is impacted by countless factors. Also, just like monogamy, success is contingent on respectful, steady, and mature communication.

Emotions

Yes, jealousy can be a problem for polyamorists. More people means more emotions to be juggled but it can be done productively. Once again, communication is key. In fact, many poly people report jealousy decreasing as they develop compersion. This is the feeling you get when you see a loved one experience happiness or pleasure. If you haven’t caught on by on, healthy polyamory requires tons of healthy communication. 

Family and Relationships

From the outside, it’s easy to assume that non-monogamy is bad for any children of the various partners. Of course, some will stigmatize polyamory but just as frequently, they will stigmatize interracial couples, gay marriage, single-parent families, and more. No one should ever have children because they expect it to be simple. In polyamorous situations, a commitment to the children’s well-being must be a top priority. 

So, How Does Polyamory Work?

Step 1

Polyamory doesn’t always mean you’ll have more sex. When done properly, though, polyamory guarantees you’ll have more conversations. This can include literal meetings. So, everyone involved must pledge early and often to radically honest communication.

Step 2

As touched on above, children don’t ask to be involved in a non-mainstream lifestyle. Therefore, for all decisions, honor their needs and consider the potential consequences for them.

Step 3

The above two steps should play a huge role in this one. Define what you’re doing. No two couples or groupings view non-monogamy the same way. For example, polyamory usually involves having a primary partner but having sex with others. In other instances, you might become a unit or 3, 4, or more. Don’t move forward until you’ve collectively decided on rules and guidelines. 

Step 4

If you and your partner have opted to open things up, don’t keep score. Everyone has different sexual needs and wants. Polyamory is not a competition. 

Polyamory is also not a way to “fix” an existing but dysfunctional relationship. Before taking such a step, it’s wise to get some input from a specialist.

Relationship Therapy is an Excellent Foundation

The dominant culture can make it difficult to take unconventional steps. In the presence of an unbiased guide, you can talk openly about what you want and why you think you want it. If your move toward polyamory involves you and a partner, why not do some advance preparation? If you’ve already taken the plunge and are feeling more than a little confused, finding an experienced therapist is an ideal move on your part. Let’s talk soon.