No one ever imagines being part of a sexless marriage. Sure, it happens — but to other people. You and your partner, on the other hand, will keep the passion alive and kicking. While many couples have a temporary honeymoon phase, you won’t fall victim to such a trend. Then, one day, you realize it’s been months since you’ve had sex or even cuddled. 
All relationships change but we seem most reluctant to accept shifts that relate to our sex life. As a result, we miss the red flags until things have reached a state of crisis. It’s normal to have short periods without intimacy. But when it becomes a sexless marriage, collective action must be taken.
How Does a Sexless Marriage Happen?
For the record, of course, each couple must be the arbiter of how much sex is ideal. That said, in a clinical sense, a couple that has less than 10 sexual interludes in a year is typically considered “sexless.” Perhaps more importantly, you know when you feel your relationship lacks intimacy. It’s more than numbers; it’s about a lost connection. But why?
Some Common Causes of a Sexless Marriage
- Long work hours
- General stress and busy-ness
- Having kids
- Financial issues
- Medication side effects impact libido and sexual functioning
- Mismatched libidos
- Physical or mental illness, injury, or disability
- Loss of trust
- Constantly fighting
- Aging
- Broken communication
That last item on the list can be the deal-breaker. Whatever is going on in your life, if you can’t talk about it, bad vibes fester. Where once lust and passion reigned, you may now more often feel guilty, ashamed, resentful, or uncomfortable about addressing the 800-pound gorilla in the room.
How Do I Repair My Sexless Marriage?
Enhance Communication
This is the foundation that can get you to have healthy, productive discussions. A few tips:
- Commit together to talking openly about the situation and your emotions
- Talk face-to-face
- Resist blame and finger-pointing
- Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements”
- Talk about your satisfaction and dissatisfaction levels
Yes, these conversations are challenging but reconnection with not happen without them.
There’s More to Sex Than One Particular Act
As you begin the work to discover the underlying causes and patterns that require your attention, it’s essential to begin reintroducing intimacy in the meantime. Here are some suggestions that can be done at any time and with your clothes on:
- Holding hands, kissing, hugging, and cuddling
- Love notes
- Compliments
- Meaningful conversations about topics other than household details
- Make eye contact
- Date nights
- Workout together
- Engage in creative work as a team
- Maintain a spiritual practice together
- Turn off your devices when you’re together
Take One Step at a Time
Your marriage almost certainly didn’t become sexless out of nowhere. It was part of a slow process that can’t effectively be repaired with a quick fix. So, commit together to ongoing conversations — and couples therapy. People grow, change, and evolve. Through slow, steady communication, you can introduce your new parts to each other. As mentioned above, honest, healthy conversations can be a form of intimacy. As you ease slowly back into more and more physical contact, your improved communication skills will be a valuable component to lean on.
Repairing Your Sexless Marriage Can Be Another Form of Intimacy
As you can see, a big part of this effort to rebuilding your trust and bond as a couple. Doing such work in the presence of an experienced, unbiased professional can be life-changing. Talking about our sex life can feel shameful — even for long-time couples. In the therapy room, you have the golden opportunity to normalize such conversations and bring openness and vulnerability into the mix. I’d love to help make this happen for you. Give me a call.
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Therapy for Men is a practice led by Dr. Rick Pomfret that offers solution focused counseling and psychotherapy services tailored to the needs of men. Their services encompass anxiety therapy, depression therapy, relationship therapy, men’s issues and support for those navigating life transitions or divorce. With offices in San Francisco and Corte Madera, Therapy4Men provides convenient access to mental health care for men in the San Francisco Bay Area and online across California.