There are many reasons why the divorce rate has hovered around 50 percent for so long — and for second marriages, it’s much higher. Relationships are much more work than we’re led to believe. This reality can leave us unprepared when issues slowly and insidiously arise. For example, codependency is a set of behaviors that can sabotage any couple’s life.
Partners can slide into dysfunctional choices that, on the surface, appear to be signs of their closeness. Without self-awareness, a codependent couple can sense something is “off,” but not be able to identify it. Codependency is not officially a diagnosis but it must be taken as seriously as any mental health disorder.
2 Basic Types of Codependency
Passive
When one partner has low self-esteem and tends to avoid conflict, it lays the groundwork for passive codependency. The passive partner gets manipulated — knowingly or unknowingly — and gains a sense of purpose from playing the role of victim and caretaker.
Active
Sometimes, however, the codependent manipulation is overt and malicious. In this case, one partner initiates conflict and uses it to garner self-worth from the role they’re playing.
Unlike healthy couples, partners struggling with codependency seem to be addicted to their relationship. This leads to them making too many sacrifices and/or demands, the existence of power imbalances, a lack of boundaries, and a lack of one’s sense of self.
Signs of Codependency
While the lines between passive and active can get blurred, you can suss out the presence of codependency by the presence of red flags like:
- People-pleasing
- Controlling behaviors
- Fear of abandonment
- Vague, passive-aggressive communication
- Lack of emotional regulation
- Fixation on perceived mistakes
- Codependent people also display characteristics like depression, anxiety, and a low tolerance for stress
Common Causes of Codependency
Childhood Trauma
Enduring nightmarish situations as a child can severely impact one’s ability to interact with others productively. A child who was betrayed during their most formative years develops an anxious attachment style. Thus, they can end up seeking out partners that enable their unhealthy coping mechanisms.
Dysfunctional Communication
Truth be told, without healthy communication skills, a wide range of psychological issues may emerge. Codependency cannot thrive when our lines of communication remain open, honest, and respectful.
Boundary Problems
At the risk of oversimplifying, a codependent couple loses touch with where one partner begins and the other ends. The ideal scenario for interdependence instead of codependence intones both partners having strong, happy independent lives.
How to Overcome Codependency of Any Type
Introspection that leads to self-awareness is the path. Attaining such goals, however, can be tricky. A few suggestions:
Stay in Touch With Your Needs and Wants
Of course, relationships require compromise. But no one should live their life trying to make their partner happy at their own expense. If the imbalance is not addressed, the codependent cycle can more easily take hold.
Embrace Direct Communication
We return to the foundation. If a couple is not having radically honest, face-to-face conversations, they are leaving room for a wide range of dysfunction.
Practice Self-Care
When you feel your life has melded with your partner’s life, self-care is an ideal way to reclaim your autonomy. Create daily habits that enhance your well-being while reminding you that you are always worth the effort.
It Really Helps To Have an Outside Perspective
Perhaps the worst part of codependency is how it can look and feel like a soul mate connection. But you don’t need someone to complete you. Rather, you want someone who will live beside you. Working with an experienced therapist is a proven path for identifying the patterns that have you stuck. I’d love to talk with you about all of this soon.