Anxious Attachment Style and Its Impact on Relationships

 

It should come as no surprise to anyone that how infants and toddlers are treated will influence those children as they grow into adulthood. In a nutshell, attachment theory is designed to identify connections between an adult’s current behavior and how their parents/caregivers behaved. This very much includes your dating habits and history.

You may feel snake-bitten when it comes to connecting with romantic partners. Things may start out well but, every single time, the connection flames out in a major way. Do you blame them? Do you blame yourself? Perhaps it’s not a matter of direct blame, but rather a simmering issue from your past that requires your full attention today. 

Attachment Theory and Attachment Styles

There are countless ways a kid can be raised. Therefore, there are also many ways we can learn about attachments. Generally speaking, attachment styles fit into two broad categories. Let’s take a closer look at both.

Secure Attachments

If you were blessed to have reliable, attentive, and loving parents, you learned what safety feels like. The most important attachments in your life reassured you — by their words and actions — that you can trust and be vulnerable. This is true for an estimated 56 percent of U.S. adults today. Thus, in the realm of dating, can more easily:

• Form healthy bonds
• Experience intimacy 
• Maintain independent lives even when they’re part of a couple
• Remain open to loving and being loved

Insecure Attachments 

This category basically covers “everyone else.” The variations are infinite, but there are some common trends worth exploring, for example:

Anxious Attachments

Anxiously attached people may fear abandonment more than anything. After all, their earliest memories involve unpredictable behavior that may have made them feel unloved, invalidated, and unsafe. Left unchecked, these emotions can cause an adult to experience high anxiety related to the entire concept of dating — so much so that they may sabotage a relationship just to feel less anxious.

Avoidant-Fearful Attachments

This style typically arises when a young child is exposed to potentially traumatic events. Their parents may have engaged in dangerous behaviors that became abusive. In a setting like this, an infant cannot discern how to get any of their needs met. Later, as adults, they will go to extremes to feel loved, but will continue to feel unsafe until their childhood trauma is processed. 

Avoidant-Dismissive Attachments

In some cases, when a baby realizes that they cannot rely on their parents, they cultivate distance as a counterproductive coping mechanism. They avoid closeness in general — especially those of the romantic variety. Being a loner feels ideal because it reduces the odds of dealing with emotional intimacy. After all, the dysfunctional logic goes, if you avoid others, you avoid being ejected by others. 

So, Am I Just Not Lucky in Love?

Far from it! You can absolutely change your attachment style. Despite their deep roots, attachment styles are not carved in stone. It will require a commitment to diligent work and therapy, but the results are well worth it. Once you’ve identified your attachment style and its causes, you are in the position to take incremental steps toward change. 

These steps may include:

• Developing deep discernment and self-awareness
• A willingness to deep dive into your past
• Recognizing and challenging distorted thought patterns 
• Learning how to regulate your emotions
• Honing your communication skills
• Setting, enforcing, and respecting boundaries 
• Building self-esteem
• Taking a chance on trying new approaches 

Working as a team with your therapist makes goals like this very reachable. It can help you reimagine the world of dating and romance while guiding you to create deep, meaningful connections with others. If the above post feels uncomfortable and familiar, let’s connect and talk soon.